I won’t lie, the way Chemo makes me feel definitely isn’t what I would describe as a “normal” feeling, but so far its not near as bad as I anticipated. That doesn’t mean I don’t still hate every second of it.
At night, when its time for me to take the Chemo pill, I have a ritual of staring at it and being mad that I have to take it. Theres not a night goes by where I don’t wonder what would happen if I just stopped treatment now. Who’s to say the tumor would come back for sure!? I gotta stop thinking like that – I understand.
I know this is what I have to do to get rid of the Cancer, but a lot of times I can’t help but feel like someone is holding a gun to my head and forcing me to do all these things I’m not comfortable with. It doesn’t make sense that in order to get better, I have to feel worse first. I mean, the headaches I used to get before surgery weren’t THAT big of a deal. I’d much rather put up with the pain I dealt with pre-surgery than the fear I have to deal with now.
My mom left yesterday after spending a few days. I bawled like a baby for a few hours after that. It was the first time I was alone since coming down here. I mean, I know I’m not alone – everyone who reads this journal is right there with me. But physically and emotionally, I was alone and I was terrified.
My friend Mike came down to visit last night a few hours after mom left…We didn’t do too much, I’m still not super comfortable with straying too far away from the hospital. Regardless, we had a good time just talking and laughing. Met a new guy here in the Hope Lodge, he’s probably in his fifties. He’s got Leukemia. I like him – he might be another new cancer buddy!
Its Saturday, and that means no radiation! Radiation is a piece of cake, but its definitely one less thing I have to do at the hospital which is always a plus!
Sometimes, everything sucks…But I keep truckin’ along.